jumbled

i feel so jumbled sometimes. like right now. i have half a million things to do, but really i don't have anything to do. and yet i feel bad for not doing something productive. but maybe i am doing something productive. hm. why can i not just rest on a day off. is it because i know i have a paper due a week from today that i haven't started, and a following paper due in other classes each week after the next. but i just finished a paper. i don't want to start another one. so i should go to work, but work sucks. so i should find another job. so i started looking today. applied to a few. how about window washing. hm. i spent 3.25 years studying to get a bachelors degree to wash windows. well, that was an exaggeration when i said studying. so i spent 3.25 years studying a little bit, partying a little bit, fishing a lot, and falling in love a lot to wash windows. that doesn't sound as bad. so what if i wash windows, if it pays 20 buckaroos an hour. i'll wash windows for 3 years. til i can use this degree. so i think. hm. ok. so then, i'm still jumbled. why do i always feel like i have to freaking do something. why can't i just take a day off and be lazy. why do i feel so bad. maybe because i've made jack squat at work the last month and i feel worthless. that's not right. i shouldn't feel worthless. i put my hours in. 40 a week. but for 2.5 cars which means i make minimum wage. not cuttin it buddy. so yah. looking for another job. another hold me over until i can do what i really want to do and make good money, some say yes, some say no. who cares. at least i will see purpose. so just a hold me over. do you ever get sick of hold me overs? life is all about waiting, and patience. but that just gets annoying sometimes. waiting for paychecks. waiting for the right job to pop up on monster or one of the other 17 job sites i'm registered on. waiting for inspiration to write. waiting for class. waiting for time to get home where i can spend 26.32 minutes with my wife before one of us passes out on the sofa. waiting for something else to do. when all i want to do is just be.

is that good for a blog, are you happy. fine.