being seen...
Why is it that I can’t look into my father’s eyes? Why is it that in all of my dreams and memories of him, he is looking off somewhere else? Why I am I afraid to look there? Am I afraid that he will see me? What if I cry? What if I don’t get his approval? What if I stand up to him there? What if I look in his eyes? Why do I struggle to look in others eyes? Do I fear that I will be seen? Do I fear being loved? Why can’t I receive others eyes? Is it that I haven’t allowed my Father, my heavenly Father, to see my eyes yet? Why do I continuously look away from Him? Am I breaking the laws of love? It is not a battle but a letting go. And what happens if I let go? What happens if I let others just look at me? What if they see bad? What if they see good? What if they see me? Why do instantly disengage when I start to think about this? What in me pulls away? Is it the fear of breaking? What is so wrong about breaking down? What is so wrong about admitting to let go? I need to let go. I need to look into my father’s eyes. I need to let him see me cry. I need to let him see me. I want him to see me. I want him to look at me. I must let him see me as I am. If I keep holding back, I may never fully allow my heavenly father to know me. How is it that I can wan’t to be known so bad, but at the same time, I am so afraid to be known? What doesn’t make sense here? I want the Father to hear me and listen to me. I want Him to hear my worship, yet it all seems so fake. Perhaps it is me that is fake? Perhaps, this is why I hate when people are fake? Why I hate it so bad? Because I am the fakest one of all. How can I lead people away from fake spirituality when I have not yet come into the fullness of being known by my Father? Perhaps, I feel that I know everything about the father, and still feel empty, because he knows nothing about me. Or, I have not allowed Him to know anything about me. I have not allowed him to experience me. I have not allowed him to encounter me. I have not allowed him to look into my eyes.
posted by Mikey at 6:09 PM
1 Comments:
The outward upward spiral.... Over and over our heavenly Father asks us to wait on Him. To sit silently before the Lord and listen for His still small voice. To meditate on Him. When we sit or lay quietly before the Father and meditate, the cares of this world will start to slip away. The business drops off to the side. The importance of a child with their Father comes into focus. A peace and a rest is to be found here and in this place comes trust. Trust in our heavenly Father. Trust that His word is true. Trust that He is for us and not against us. This starts what I have termed the glorious upward spiral. For when we trust the Father and have a revelation of who He is, it naturally spins us into intimacy. O'glorious intimacy with the Father. The place where burdens are light and yokes are easy. The place where my spirit soars because of the love of the Father. The place that makes me feel warm and comfortable because of His presence. Intimacy then spins me into experience. Experience with my Father. Experience that shows me He will provide in my time of need. Experience that shows me how He is using my life right now to lead others to Him. O'wonderful experience with the Father. For it spins me into deeper trust with Him. You cannot argue my testimony, for my experience tells me He is true. So I trust Him all the more. Because I trust Him so much more, I have more intimacy with Him. I come to Him with and expectation of love and comfort. I know He's going to hold me. Out of this place of intimacy I willing lean into Him. I pray for the sick and see them healed. I give all that I have and see it multiply. I see my weakness and He makes me strong. How this makes me trust Him! All I want to do is come into deeper relationship and intimacy with Him. For there is no higher experience than to trust in and be intimate with an experiential Father!!! trust intimacy experience
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