holding it in/shutting off

just when you thought you had it all figured out...you realize you're one big damn mess...the good news is that it's not your fault...so i find myself wanting to know the why...why when i talk about the anger that i hold in, it brings tears to my eyes?...why when I wonder what i do with my held in anger, it brings tears to my eyes?...but then i disengage...i shut off...what is it in us that shuts off?...why can i not go to that place?...what am i afraid of?...