Here is the paper...
Boy, You’re Cruisin’ for a Bruisin’
Introduction
I used to laugh along with my family when they would tell the stories of how my mother would “beat the temper out of me.” All the men before me in my family had bad tempers, and my mother would make sure that I would not. I could never admit that what was done to me was abuse. I could never put the title of “child abuse” upon my daily spankings. For the 18 years that I fought against my mother and lost, I could never say that I was abused. But now, I cannot hide the harmful affects of what was done to me. I cannot lie any longer that I did not consistently hate my parents for “beating” me. I cannot lie any longer that I was not abused. I cannot withhold my anger and pain for withstanding 18 years of physical and emotional abuse.
I used to agree with “spanking” children. I thought, this is what was done to me, and I have turned out to be a great person. I have a college degree. I’ve never done drugs. I’ve never been to jail. I’ve only got one speeding ticket. At least on the outside, it looks like I have everything put together. But, on the inside, there is a gruesome battle of shame and guilt. I punish myself internally for years because of a few bad decisions. I have a very hard time receiving any kind of love. I am internally raging with anger and pain, but I have no idea how to begin to release any of it. I am deeply afraid that if I let any anger out, I will turn into a vicious monster of a person. And, I am horrified of what I will become, if I truly display just a drop of the splitting dam of pain within me. I have no idea how to show emotions, and when I give any words of what exists in my heart, I turn to mockery of myself. I used to punch myself in the chest and face when I thought that I had sinned against God. My idea of repentance was to emotionally and physically beat the guilt out of me.
So now, when people ask me, “are you going to spank your children like your parents spanked you?” I don’t know anymore. I want to believe that there is a different way to raise children. There has got to be a way that provides a healthy environment where there can be anger and pain with understanding. There has to be a way where at the end of the day, everyone still feels like a human being. And, so in this realm of questioning, I will write this paper.
When does discipline become abuse? Can verbal and emotional abuse be just as harmful as physical abuse? What are the effects of child abuse? Where does all the violence go? How does child abuse affect gender roles within the family and a future marriage? What happens to boys who are spanked? What happens to girls who are spanked? How will two spanked children relate to each other in a marriage context? What happens when one child is spanked more than the other siblings? Is there any justification for spanking a child? Are there any possible alternatives? Is there any hope for another way?
Research
From polls in 1997, 75 percent of American parents rely on spanking as regular discipline, and 90 percent of parents have spanked their kids at least once. The ages of those spanked are highest between the ages 3 to 6. “One study of 679 college students found that over 93 percent had experienced some physical punishment” (Hyman, p. 16). Often, the true percentage depends on who is being asked, the spanker or spankee. Either way, it is obvious that spanking is a wide spread practice in America. So, why is spanking so common?
One author, Irwin Hyman (1997), who I will quote probably too much in this paper, says that spanking, “as it is generally used is very appealing because it can produce very quick short-term results. It doesn’t take much thinking, it usually costs nothing, and most parents and teachers feel they don’t need to be trained in its use. But effective punishment is not as simple as some people think” (p. 8). In other words, spanking is actually very easy to do. And, for most people, spanking a child is what comes most naturally to us. Is this because of nature or nurture?
Alice Miller (1983) says that, “we punish our children for the arbitrary actions of our parents that we were not able to defend ourselves against, thanks to the fourth commandment” (Miller, p. xi). Miller details that most of us spank our children because that is exactly what was done to us. We were taught by our parents to spank by being spanked. So then, it is only natural and now engrained in our brain to spank our children. And, for most of us, we see that we turned out to be a good person, so we assume that what our parents did was a good thing. It is very easily justifiable because a) it is all we know, b) our parents did it to us, and c) it works. But, if it really works, then why do parents have to continuously spank their children?
In my case, I was spanked every other day until I was probably 12 years old. And, after that, I was then hit probably once a month to two months until I was 16 or so. Most often, my mother did the routine spankings, and honestly, they were more of a good smack than a violent beating. But, nothing was worse than hearing, “just wait til’ your father gets home.” That means that she couldn’t deliver enough pain, and she needed my father to take care of it. This would happen at least once a season. I would have to put my hands on the kitchen sink, look down, and he would hit me on the butt with his leather belt, usually 4 to 5 times, sometimes more.
So, just to give a rough estimate, I was probably hit, let’s just say 10 years, every other day, and one good one 4 to 5 times year, so, probably, a couple thousand times. So, here’s my question: if spanking really works, why did it have to be used a few thousand times? Don’t you think that if it was a reasonable and a working practice, that I would have begun to respond with good behavior? Either, my parents beat me for fun, or I was just consistently disobedient. Either way, I slowly began to hate my parents for what they were doing to me and hate myself for what I was causing.
“If it doesn’t work immediately, the punisher must increase the frequency, duration, and intensity of the punishment until it finally works. That is one reason why spanking, when ineffective, can escalate to severe abuse” (Hyman, p. 9). So when does discipline become abuse?
Hyman defines abuse as “physical injury by hitting, punching, beating, kicking, throwing, biting, burning, or otherwise physically harming a child. Proof is usually determined by the presence of welts, marks, minor to major bruises, abrasions, lacerations, eye injuries, fractures, and damage to internal organs” (p.36). But, what if the child doesn’t bruise easily, or the parent punches the child in the stomach, or hits them with clothes on? It is very easy to get away with abuse without leaving any marks. So, then if the effects of abuse aren’t immediate, what could be the long terms effects?
Harmful Effects
In the movie, A History of Violence (2005), the director, David Cronenberg, does a powerful job of displaying the way that “violence begets violence.” It is an excruciating experience to sit through this movie, but the message is very powerful. When violence is done to someone, it has to go somewhere. Violence cannot be done to someone and then disappear or have no effect. If violence does not directly or immediately respond back, it will be bottled down inside, and eventually, it will burst upon another or continue to burn inside of the victim.
Miller (1983) discusses a report done with toddlers in Denver. In the study were children who had undergone severe physical abuse from their parents. The children were 3-6 years old for the most part. In this study, the children were provoked to show anger. In most cases, the child was passive towards any stimulus. The child, in effect, took the punishment onto himself internally. It was noticed later, that though the children could not show anger to the therapist, they were very violent with their toys. “Dolls and other fictitious characters were constantly being beaten, tormented, and killed” (p. 88). One child who had undergone many head traumas because of abuse, consistently created stories with characters where their heads would be broken or destroyed. What is most interesting to note, is that this child was abused only as an infant. (Miller, p. 88-89) It is clear that even child abuse at the earliest age can be detrimental.
Many have justified that spanking an infant or toddler is necessary and less detrimental to his or her future than later years. Also, this has been justified because the child is not of an “age of reason”. But, as the previous study demonstrates, even the earliest spanking or violent discipline can cause further issues. “In 2003, an estimated 906,000 children were reported and investigated to be confirmed victims of actual abuse or neglect situations. 1,500 children died as a result of abuse or neglect in 2003. The majority—almost 79%—were three years of age or younger” (
http://www.americanhumane.org). These are powerful and horrifying statistics of the truth behind early age child abuse. Harmful effects can take many forms, including death and long term issues.
If there is a not a place where the child can release anger and pain, and he or she is silenced when they do release these things, the child will learn to become silent and hide their emotions. As parents, we must learn to provide places for our children to display emotions. If we don’t think or have a chance to release some of the anger from what our parents did to us, then we will do the same to our children. Out of ignorance, we will follow the past. A history of violence will continue to spread. (Miller, p. 4)
Another issue that will affect a spanked child is related to parental idealization. For many, the effect of childhood abuse does not show itself because even though the parent may consistently be abusive, most likely they still feed and do many good things for the child. Just because a parent physically or emotionally abuses a child does not mean that they are terrible person. There are of course, many parents, like mine, that provided a beautiful life for their children and disciplined them thinking that it was the best for the child. For many, the phrase, “this hurts me more than it hurts you,” or “you will thank me for this one day” is a very clear sounding memory. Because a parent sends their child to private school, spoils them with tons of Christmas presents, feeds them to their full, and tucks them in at night, it is easy for a child to overlook the pain and anger that is bottled up inside. It is very hard to say that your parents may have abused you. In my own story, I have just come to the realization that many issues in my life are a direct effect of the bottled-in hate, anger, and violence within me. And, issues have come up in my life, streaming directly from my lowered self-esteem, self-contempt, and a boiling heart of anger. Many people can laugh about spanking as I used to with my family. But when the harsh reality sets in on the long term effects of continual spanking, it’s not funny anymore.
Gender Differences
It would be ignorant to think that childhood abuse does not directly affect gender roles and relations significantly. How males will react to violence will often be very different than how females react. For men who grew up in violent homes, it is not uncommon that either the male will seek out a female mate to control and be violent to, or he will seek out a woman who is violent to him. And, sadly, the effects are played out most significantly in sexual situations. The most vulnerable place for a man to take power over a woman is sexually. And, it isn’t a coincidence that physical violence done unto a young boy will further into physical control later in his life. Because physical violence has been used to control him, he will attempt to find control and power through demeaning a woman through physical relations. But, if and when attention is not given to the male, or his way is not met, violence will occur. If the man cannot control his wife or his needs are not met, it is easy for him to justify pornography, where he will control many women with ease.
Ironically, a woman who has been controlled by physical discipline will often look to a man to do the same. There is something safe and desirable in the familiarity of being controlled by the physical. Clearly, this can lead women into seeking out men who may eventually be physically and sexually abusive. This may explain why girls, especially in high school, always go for the “bad boys”. There is a desire within to be with a boy, who a)her parents do not like, because he is most likely dangerous, and b)someone who offer a challenge, even if it’s violent.
“Someone who has learned at his or her peril to obey unwritten laws and renounce feelings at a tender age will obey the written laws all the more readily, lacking any inner resistance. But since no one can live entirely without feelings, such a person will join groups that sanction or even encourage the forbidden feelings, which he or she will finally be allowed to live out within a collective framework” (Miller, p. 86).
So, either a female may look for the familiar abusive male, where she can follow his rules. Or, the exact opposite may happen. A female could be completely turned off from the male and be turned to the safer woman. To protect herself completely from the male, she may choose a female partner or companion. Or, the woman will marry a completely passive male, where she can outplay her violence upon him. Once again, there is constant cycle or history of violence. I could write 10 more pages on the ways that childhood abuse affects gender.
Biblical Analysis
There are three verses in Proverbs that Bible followers have used to justify spanking their children. Proverbs 13:24, 22:15, 23:14. Many will say that these verses are only in Proverbs and deal specifically to Solomon, but I am not going to try to disprove these or say that it is a wrong translation of the word “rod”. I fully understand how these verses can be used to justify spanking children. And, though nowhere in the New Testament are there any instructions not to discipline one’s children, I do feel that the message of Christ and His death on the cross offer a different story.
When the people wanted to stone the woman for getting caught in the act of adultery, Jesus asked them to offer her grace. To a group of people who knew what it was like to be caught in the act of sin, he knew they would fall sympathetic to this woman. I would say that to those people who know what it is like to receive physical punishment from your parents, why would you do the same to your children?
No one can argue that Jesus ever recommended or encouraged violence upon children or adults. In Matthew 10:14-15, He says, “let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it." Clearly, Jesus has a deep and profound love for children. I cannot picture Jesus standing by as someone beats their children.
I believe that the model of Jesus with his disciples is how we should raise our children. The word discipline comes from the Latin disciplina, meaning teaching or learning. (www.m-w.com) One who is under discipline is called a disciple. To be a disciple usually means that you follow someone in authority who teaches you a way of life, like Christ’s disciples. When the disciples denied Jesus or did something that He disagreed with, He confronted them with truth, but He also spoke encouragement into their lives also. I believe the way that Jesus spoke with Peter on the shore of Galilee after His resurrection is the way to discipline those underneath you.
And when Christ died on the cross, I believe he paid the price for man’s sin and offered a different option of grace. I see His death as the last physical sacrifice that we need to make. It was the last act of violence. I firmly believe that Christ does not and would not encourage any act of violence.
Conclusion
So then, what are we to do? Surely, there has to be some sort of discipline for children. And, I think that every person when they come to have children must ask themselves, is there another option besides violence? Can we learn a new form of discipline that fully breeds love, teaching, and forgiveness?
For the remainder of Hyman’s book, The Case Against Spanking: How to Discipline Your Children without Hitting, he offers a wonderfully planned out and systematic way for disciplining your child. Much of the program is built off positive reinforcement and simply talking with children. I realize that children can be stubborn, wild, and often times just plain crazy, and that the idea of positive encouragement sounds like a joke, but of course, this is a long term learning and application process. It would be a lot easier in the beginning to just spank your children. But, I believe that there is another way that offers life and love, instead of violence.
A few last quotes from Hyman and Miller:
“Children should be taught to do the right thing because it is the right thing. This is called moral persuasion, as opposed to moral coercion, which is based on fear of punishment.”
“Discipline that is based on moral persuasion involves discussion, praise for correct behavior, negotiation, and parental modeling of good behavior.”(Hyman)
“Perhaps, financial resources or occupational experiences are not as important as educational attainment in determining how people view the act of hitting a child. Education can shape attitudes and beliefs and can expose people to thinking that contradicts traditional beliefs and transgenerational values regarding discipline.”
“I have discovered that we are less a prey to this form of the repetition compulsion if we are willing to acknowledge what happened to us, if we do not claim that we were mistreated “for our own good,” and if we have not had to ward off completely our painful reactions to the past. The more we idealize the past, however, and refuse to acknowledge our childhood sufferings, the more we pass them on unconsciously to the next generation.” (Miller)
“What good fortune for those in power that people do not think.” Adolf Hitler
April is
Child Abuse Prevention Month (http://www.americanhumane.org)
Many countries outside of the United States are making spanking children illegal. A few of these countries, for example are,
Sweden,
Switzerland,
Iceland,
Finland,
Denmark,
Norway, Canada,
Austria,
Germany,
Italy,
Cyprus,
Croatia,
Israel and
Latvia. (wikipedia.com) Perhaps, it is time that we caught on.
