sing me wild...

you know...christian music just doesn't do it for me anymore. i know it is a bit sad. but i can't ignore this growing unrest in my heart that can not stand the fakeness of current christian radio. i want to connect and sing praises to my sweet father. but, these words i hear seem so contrived and fake. they seem to use this language we title christian language. but outside of this music i never hear these words. nor do i ever hear their verses. i want music that flows not out of how i think i should praise God. nor what i think God wants to hear. I want to hear music that moves my soul. music that speaks my language. music that i can scream to. music that i can cry to. music that speaks to my situation. music that talks about this battle that rages within me. the music out there does not ever mention the battle that i face daily. i want so want to praise You God, but i don't see You all the time. but i want to. but i don't always feel good. sometimes i just want to tell You to hold me. sometimes i need You to tell me that it is okay that life sucks right now, You are here with me. sometimes i want to just vent to You and find rest in Your arms. i don't always have perfect verses to speak to You. sometimes i just have a mumbled jumbled mess of words and fears. but i know that You want to hear this. I know that I can not continue to hold it in. so bring me words, bring me songs to reveal my heart to you.

and where are the songs that reveal my dissatisfaction with life. and though i am dissatisfied, i need Your hope. give me hope. give me peace. where are the songs that say that i can't hold on to life anymore. i can't keep these walls strong. I know i need to let go. but it is so hard right now. i so desperately want to let it all go. but i am afraid that i won't be held. that no one will catch me. will you catch me Lord? where are these words? where is the honesty? where is the rawness? where is the mystery? where is the wildness?

I want songs of truth. I want songs that encourage me just to let go. I want songs that give me hope. but give me hope in the midst of trouble. not hope with no mention of the ambivalence that i cannot ignore. don't give me language i can't understand. give me language that takes me deeper. songs that bring me into the peace of the wildness. meet me here.

all i hear are songs of perfect praise to you. that's all i hear. Lord, i do not have perfect praise for you. Yes, i know these songs are not about me. but they are from me. and if they do not feel real when they come out. if emotions do not flow with them. what is the point? bring me songs that I can sing to You with passion. that flow out of my heart with every inch of my life. songs that express the wild roller coaster of life. the high points and the low points. I know you want it all.

if you know any that sing this...tell me. start a blog with links to songs that move your heart. real songs. songs of pain. songs of hope. songs of struggle. songs of honesty. songs of finding wildness and life in the midst of this all to often boring and cheesy fake life.

in saying all this, i do know one star that shines in the midst of all this darkness. find her here. hit the ksmizzle link then my music on her links. keep it sacred. honor her words. thank you Katie. your words are so wild. and so real. and so beautiful.

Hermeneutics gone wild...

first of all, many of you maybe wondering, what the hell is hermeneutics? don't worry, i didn't know until a few months ago and i have a degree in this crap. anyhow, hermeneutics, herm as i call it, like a dear friend, is one of those fancy pants words that is like 5 words in one. it means how you interpret text. and text could be anything. written text, spoken text, painted text, movie text, metaphoric text, life text. anything that potentially holds meaning.

anyhowwww, most of the churches in america today have a pretty f#$%ed up herm. I will title this herm as morality. everything we say, experience, live out is filtered through morality. is this good? is this sinful? will this lead me somewhere i shouldn't go? could i be changed by going to this place? now as a safety net for the far off right wingers in the crowd, i will first state that, all in all morality is good thing and it's necessary. BUT, a problem comes along when morality becomes our foundation for life, our source of meaning for life. what happens and has happened in so many spheres of christianity-church, music, schools, whatever-is morality has been preached over relationship. this is so very dangerous. which is ironic because that is exactly the churches response to those who will take my point of view, which i am slowly getting to.

(please forgive me, this blog entry may be a bit long, but it's better than taking my hurting brain to heavy doses of alcohol or drugs or what have me. i say heavy because right now i am on a happy medium dose of one of my best friends, mr. johnnie walker, black that is. it's whiskey)

anywaysssss, we have taught morality over relationship. walls have been built in order to protect us from partayying, from perhaps drinking too much, from dancing too much, from singing too much, from listening to the wrong kind of music, from wearing funky clothes, from talking to and experiencing those WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN WHAT WE BELIEVE. the danger as a Moral follower, (i highlight to denote the idol that it is) is that we have agendas and fists up when we come across anyone who could potentially disagree with every theological, philosophical, political, whateverical belief. and what happens is they clearly see my "lyin eyes," so they put their guard up to protect themself from my own, and any chance of ever experiencing life, love, beauty, or truth with the other, is shot down.

speaking of truth...my herm profinspirator brought this ocean of beauty to me the other day in class. what does the bible say is truth? Christ said, "I am the way, the TRUTH, and the life." so then if truth is Christ, what is Christ? better way to ask he question, how is Christ revealed in our daily lives?...........think on this one for a sec............................keep thinking...................don't just read my answer..............choose it on your own........got it, ok. did it have anything to do with love or relationship? i hope so. a year ago, I would have said in sacrifice and suffering. yes, good answer, but not complete. 3 years ago, I would have said in living a good life. yes, a good life hopefully involves love and relationship. 5 years ago, i would have said in living a moral life. errrrrhhhhhhhh. Very very dangerous. though living morally does honor God, it doesn't bring the kingdom. which is really what life is all about right? bringing goodness, and beauty, and life, and hope, in order to somehow survive through this crazy, sometimes cold, sometimes hellishly hot, sometimes brutally sad, sometimes just plain hell - life. soo, you got it, love and relationship. so a little philosophy here...if truth is Christ, and Christ is love "exuded" in relationship, then in the words of dwight friesen, TRUTH IS RELATIONAL.

that means that Christ exists in relationship. heres the next question, does Christ exist in all relationship? can Christ exist, can truth exist in a relationship between two people who competely disagree on an issue such as, the existence of God? well, that would assume that God speaks and uses and even lives in someone who doesn't believe in Him. wow. chew on that for a sec. are you sure? well, you can't tell me that my beer buddy from across the street where i lived in colorado, who brought me cases of fat tire every week, didn't beam with extreme generosity. it was overwhelming at times. he had all the friends in the world. he had it all. but he would still take time to take us on his sailboat. let me borrow his garage. watch my dog. give me beer, and more beer, and some more after that. tell me that anything that he had, i could use anytime. But, this man would constantly refuse my asking to come to church or hang out with christian buddies, constantly slept with different women, fully enjoyed the fuck word, oops, haha, got your attention, and enjoyed a good roach every once in awhile. (roach as in blunt, weed, pot) but, if morality was my foundation. I would never be able to get past all the sins in his life, and never, never, enter into the beauty and love that existed in his generosity. though mainly beer, i would never have felt that giving hand of Christ that provided for me, through the last past year. well wow. that changes a bunch.

so since my buzz is wearing off and my neck hurts from staring at this thing all day long. i'll leave you with this...maybe evangelism, spreading the good news of the gospel is more about letting yourself be affected, than desperately trying to affect others. and maybe, in our letting go of trying to control our relationships, and protect our morality, we will enter into truth and love with one another. the way that Christ really meant for us, when He said, "when two or three of you gather in my name, I am there." though i can't remember ever saying Christ's name to my buddy, I cannot deny that we experienced Him there together. I cannot deny that I didn't feel the love of Christ through my buddy's giving hand. and there was never any place I felt i could give, except just to say thanks. maybe, i was learning just to receive. thank you Icky for the beer and so much more. thank you Dwight for your crazy herm. thank you Kevin for battling this out with me tonight. and thank you Lord for all these three.

seeing wild...

I am slowly beggining to realize the importance of story. this word "story" circulates more around Mars Hill than perhaps any other word, maybe even more than "i need a beer." but, i have begun to learn that our story says so much more than the details of our past. it reveals the purpose of our future, along with the meaning of our past. it reveals the why of the hard times, and the truth in the cliche ridden cheesy christianity phrase of "God will use it for good." as much as one hates to hear that in moments of despair and pain, there is truth to it. only the truth takes sometimes 50 years to come into full realization. but, within our stories lies a common thread. this common thread Mr. Danny Allender states are the themes that are woven by God throughout our lives. these themes can be violence given and violence became, attention neglected and attention refused. these themes are woven throughout all of our stories, mainly hard stories to tell, but often relieving to speak. these stories tell the future of our lives. will we use our themes for good? will we use our themes for bad? perhaps it is not if, but how and when? how will you use your theme for good? and when will you use it for evil?

in my own life, i have found the theme of eyes...eyes giving attention and care...the same eyes neglecting and refusing to give...it was those who i desired and still desire the eyes of approval, concern, interest, desire from that i cannot seem to coerce to look. for some they have long past away, for others, there is hope, but often too much dirt to dig through. for some, the eyes will give, but only when i present mine own first. it is those who want to give, that i must first open my heart to give. thus the challenge. i so desire to be seen, but will i allow myself to look to see if they are looking? and if they are, can i stay there in their eyes and receive their gift?

these are questions that haunt this man. i must first know my story before i can receive it. before i will let the God who is writing see my eyes, i have to look at his work, i have to study his work, i have to trust his work.

"know thyself" what easy words, but what impossible task

the transpire project

this guy paints at the church courtney and I have been going to. his heart and his paintings are just freaking amazing. this guy doesn't know me and i am representing his stuff. i need to meet this guy. maybe next sunday. wait he's on his honeymoon. i guess the sunday after that. well anyways, enjoy this stuff. i mean, just sit and look into the eyes of these people. they are powerful. keep looking. you'll hear them.

check out his website...www.thetranspireproject.com

he continuously changes his work, he paints over his work constantly

"static is death. movement is everything." ~Dwight Friesen

D Mill. on seeing wild...the why that is

"I've learned, too, that I don't really know very much about anything. I mean, I used to have all these theories about life. I thought I had everybody figured out, even God, but I don't. I think the woods, being away from all the clingy soot of commercialism, have taught me life is enormous, and I am very tiny in the middle of it. I feel, at times like a droplet of water in a raging river. I know for a fact that as a grain of sand compares in size to the earth it self, I compare in size to the cosmos. I am that insignificant. And yet, the chemicals in my brain that make me feel beauty when I look up the stars, when I watch the sunset, indicate I must be here for a reason. I think I would sum it up this way: life is not a story about me, but it is being told to me, and I can be glad of that. I think that is the why of life and, in fact, the why of this ancient faith I am caught up in: to enjoy God. The stars were created to dazzle us, like a love letter; light itself is just a metaphor, something that exists outside of time, made up of what seems like nothing, infinite in its power, something that can be experienced but not understood, like God." ~ D.Mil. Through Painted Deserts

the jagged line

sitting in bible study years ago, i remember me, as the leader asking my guys to draw a line graph illustrating the ups and downs of their spiritual life over the last 5 years. Most everyone has a crooked, jagged, up and down, heartbeat, line. Only one student had a straight perfect diagonal line up. He must have been lying. I asked each of them to look back and think what was going on in their life that caused their line to drop down? what was wrong in their lives? what sin was there? how can we learn from our past in order to keep our line in a gradual increase of spiritual growth? BULLSHIT....ALL BULLSHIT. so i have now learned. it is in the crooked line of our life that beauty is found. it is in all the lows and the highs that we are created and made and formed, transformed, into the changed, imaginative, mature, beautiful persons that matter and love and live life to the full.

when we begin to build walls around the high points in order to try to stay there, in order to stay in our safe places, our boxes of systematic theology, and safe traditions, where life becomes static, dull, dead. God will begin to melt, to destroy, to break down the walls that we build around Him, that is if we begin to cry out to Him to save us. but salvation doesn't always look pretty. salvation is not always safe. salvation can mean struggle, pain, humility. but eventually, eventually, there will be a day, when we look back and see our lives, the up and down mess, the pains and the blessings, the continual search for meaning, purpose, satisfaction, that we will see it all and with God by our side, we will call His creation with our own, beautiful. in all its wildness.

that is redemption. that is conversion. that is the kingdom of heaven here on earth. welcome home.

holding it in/shutting off

just when you thought you had it all figured out...you realize you're one big damn mess...the good news is that it's not your fault...so i find myself wanting to know the why...why when i talk about the anger that i hold in, it brings tears to my eyes?...why when I wonder what i do with my held in anger, it brings tears to my eyes?...but then i disengage...i shut off...what is it in us that shuts off?...why can i not go to that place?...what am i afraid of?...

being seen...

Why is it that I can’t look into my father’s eyes? Why is it that in all of my dreams and memories of him, he is looking off somewhere else? Why I am I afraid to look there? Am I afraid that he will see me? What if I cry? What if I don’t get his approval? What if I stand up to him there? What if I look in his eyes? Why do I struggle to look in others eyes? Do I fear that I will be seen? Do I fear being loved? Why can’t I receive others eyes? Is it that I haven’t allowed my Father, my heavenly Father, to see my eyes yet? Why do I continuously look away from Him? Am I breaking the laws of love? It is not a battle but a letting go. And what happens if I let go? What happens if I let others just look at me? What if they see bad? What if they see good? What if they see me? Why do instantly disengage when I start to think about this? What in me pulls away? Is it the fear of breaking? What is so wrong about breaking down? What is so wrong about admitting to let go? I need to let go. I need to look into my father’s eyes. I need to let him see me cry. I need to let him see me. I want him to see me. I want him to look at me. I must let him see me as I am. If I keep holding back, I may never fully allow my heavenly father to know me. How is it that I can wan’t to be known so bad, but at the same time, I am so afraid to be known? What doesn’t make sense here? I want the Father to hear me and listen to me. I want Him to hear my worship, yet it all seems so fake. Perhaps it is me that is fake? Perhaps, this is why I hate when people are fake? Why I hate it so bad? Because I am the fakest one of all. How can I lead people away from fake spirituality when I have not yet come into the fullness of being known by my Father? Perhaps, I feel that I know everything about the father, and still feel empty, because he knows nothing about me. Or, I have not allowed Him to know anything about me. I have not allowed him to experience me. I have not allowed him to encounter me. I have not allowed him to look into my eyes.

jumbled

i feel so jumbled sometimes. like right now. i have half a million things to do, but really i don't have anything to do. and yet i feel bad for not doing something productive. but maybe i am doing something productive. hm. why can i not just rest on a day off. is it because i know i have a paper due a week from today that i haven't started, and a following paper due in other classes each week after the next. but i just finished a paper. i don't want to start another one. so i should go to work, but work sucks. so i should find another job. so i started looking today. applied to a few. how about window washing. hm. i spent 3.25 years studying to get a bachelors degree to wash windows. well, that was an exaggeration when i said studying. so i spent 3.25 years studying a little bit, partying a little bit, fishing a lot, and falling in love a lot to wash windows. that doesn't sound as bad. so what if i wash windows, if it pays 20 buckaroos an hour. i'll wash windows for 3 years. til i can use this degree. so i think. hm. ok. so then, i'm still jumbled. why do i always feel like i have to freaking do something. why can't i just take a day off and be lazy. why do i feel so bad. maybe because i've made jack squat at work the last month and i feel worthless. that's not right. i shouldn't feel worthless. i put my hours in. 40 a week. but for 2.5 cars which means i make minimum wage. not cuttin it buddy. so yah. looking for another job. another hold me over until i can do what i really want to do and make good money, some say yes, some say no. who cares. at least i will see purpose. so just a hold me over. do you ever get sick of hold me overs? life is all about waiting, and patience. but that just gets annoying sometimes. waiting for paychecks. waiting for the right job to pop up on monster or one of the other 17 job sites i'm registered on. waiting for inspiration to write. waiting for class. waiting for time to get home where i can spend 26.32 minutes with my wife before one of us passes out on the sofa. waiting for something else to do. when all i want to do is just be.

is that good for a blog, are you happy. fine.